A Comedy of Expenses
Once upon a time, there was a new homeowner. Let us call her Jane.
Jane: I finally realized the dream! I own a house! I’m going to celebrate.
Mortgage: No, you’re not.
Jane: Well, I meant in a small way.
Insurance: By ‘small’, I hope you mean “I’m going to walk to the store to buy a chocolate bar” ‘small’.
Jane: Actually, I was hoping to get a new living room set.
Mortgage: WHAT?!
Insurance: How selfish!
Property Taxes: Where’s your sense of civic duty?
Utilities: She never loved us anyway.
Washer: I think I sprang a leak.
Jane: Oh, no, you did not!
Washer: ‘Fraid so. I hope you have the money for the new living room handy.
Jane: Well I was going to put it on my credit card.
Credit Card: Tell me you’re not serious; I’m already at 75% of my limit. Your FICO score is writhing in agony!
Jane: Well, I need the washer, so no living room set.
Mortgage: Well, thank goodness for that.
Credit Card: Phew.
Jane: But I was thinking that I need a new car. I can get it on financing, so my credit card will be okay.
Old Car: Traitor.
Insurance: You’re joking, right?
Jane: My old car is a heap. I got a new house; I want a new car to go with it!
Old Car: And the utilities think she doesn’t love THEM.
Mortgage: Yeah, that’s right; plunge into MORE debt after you’ve made the most expensive purchase of your life. Smart.
Jane: I can afford it.
Property Taxes: Ha ha! Foolish mortal! What if we increase? Where’s your car payment going to come from then, hmmm?
Jane: I’d, um, handle it. How much worse can you get, anyway?
Property Taxes: Just watch us. Kids need to go to school, too, y’know.
Washer: Can you get someone in to repair me? This is getting kind of embarrassing.
Jane: In a minute; I’m still planning my celebration.
Refrigerator: With what? I’m empty.
Jane: I’ll go out and buy some food. Now, let me see…
Mortgage: Not to be a downer, but what happens if you get sick or lose your job? More to the point, what happens to ME if you don’t have any savings in the bank to cover a lean spell?
Jane: I’d… think of something.
Old Car: Like your new car payment?
Property Taxes: Like our increase?
Equity: I’m too young for this discussion.
Utilities: …yep, just pretend we aren’t here. Maybe if we got shut off, she’d remember we exist…
Refrigerator: As I understand it, if you humans can’t buy food, you end up dying after, what? Three weeks? You might want to allow some money for basic foodstuffs…
Jane: FINE. NO new living room. NO new car. Budget for food AND utilities – don’t think I haven’t heard you whining in the background. SMALL celebration.
Washer: What about me?
Jane: You’re getting fixed tomorrow.
Credit Card: Ouch.
Jane: You be quiet; I’m paying you off over my next few paychecks. Now, is there anything else?
Mortgage: No; as long as you aren’t buying everything in sight and start saving some money for unforeseen circumstances, things will probably be okay.
Jane: Good. Now I am going OUT. To CELEBRATE.
Old Car: Gas prices just rose again.
Jane: …fine, I’ll walk to the store. Maybe they have a new kind of chocolate bar I can try.